Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Are You Emotionally Intelligent?
Here's How to Know for Sure.
Image credit: jeffsmallwood| Flickr
Co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and President at TalentSmart
FEBRUARY 18, 2015
LinkedIn Influencer, Dr. Travis Bradberry, published this post originally on LinkedIn
When emotional intelligence (EQ) first appeared to the masses, it served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with average IQs outperform those with the highest IQs 70% of the time. This anomaly threw a massive wrench into the broadly held assumption that IQ was the sole source of success.
Decades of research now point to emotional intelligence as being the critical factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack. The connection is so strong that 90% of top performers have high emotional intelligence.
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Emotional intelligence is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions to achieve positive results.
Despite the significance of EQ, its intangible nature makes it very difficult to know how much you have and what you can do to improve if you’re lacking. You can always take a scientifically validated test, such as the one that comes with theEmotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
Unfortunately, quality (scientifically valid) EQ tests aren’t free. So, I’ve analyzed the data from the million-plus people TalentSmart has tested in order to identify the behaviors that are the hallmarks of a high EQ. What follows are sure signs that you have a high EQ.
You Have a Robust Emotional Vocabulary
All people experience emotions, but it is a select few who can accurately identify them as they occur. Our research shows that only 36% of people can do this, which is problematic because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions.
People with high EQs master their emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do so. While many people might describe themselves as simply feeling “bad,” emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they feel “irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or “anxious.” The more specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it.
You’re Curious about People
It doesn’t matter if they’re introverted or extroverted, emotionally intelligent people are curious about everyone around them. This curiosity is the product of empathy, one of the most significant gateways to a high EQ. The more you care about other people and what they’re going through, the more curiosity you’re going to have about them.
You Embrace Change
Emotionally intelligent people are flexible and are constantly adapting. They know that fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat to their success and happiness. They look for change that is lurking just around the corner, and they form a plan of action should these changes occur.
Related: The 6 Secrets of Self-Control (LinkedIn)
You Know Your Strengths and Weaknesses
Emotionally intelligent people don’t just understand emotions; they know what they’re good at and what they’re terrible at. They also know who pushes their buttons and the environments (both situations and people) that enable them to succeed. Having a high EQ means you know your strengths and you know how to lean into them and use them to your full advantage while keeping your weaknesses from holding you back.
You’re a Good Judge of Character
Much of emotional intelligence comes down to social awareness; the ability to read other people, know what they’re about, and understand what they're going through. Over time, this skill makes you an exceptional judge of character. People are no mystery to you. You know what they’re all about and understand their motivations, even those that lie hidden beneath the surface.
You Are Difficult to Offend
If you have a firm grasp of whom you are, it’s difficult for someone to say or do something that gets your goat. Emotionally intelligent people are self-confident and open-minded, which creates a pretty thick skin. You may even poke fun at yourself or let other people make jokes about you because you are able to mentally draw the line between humor and degradation.
You Know How to Say No (to Yourself and Others)
Emotional intelligence means knowing how to exert self-control. You delay gratification, and you avoid impulsive action. Research conducted at the University of California, San Francisco, shows that the more difficulty that you have saying no, the more likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression. Saying no is indeed a major self-control challenge for many people. “No” is a powerful word that you should not be afraid to wield. When it’s time to say no, emotionally intelligent people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m not certain.” Saying no to a new commitment honors your existing commitments and gives you the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.
You Let Go of Mistakes
Emotionally intelligent people distance themselves from their mistakes, but do so without forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust for future success. It takes refined self-awareness to walk this tightrope between dwelling and remembering. Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy, while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key to balance lies in your ability to transform failures into nuggets of improvement. This creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down.
You Give and Expect Nothing in Return
When someone gives you something spontaneously, without expecting anything in return, this leaves a powerful impression. For example, you might have an interesting conversation with someone about a book, and when you see them again a month later, you show up with the book in hand. Emotionally intelligent people build strong relationships because they are constantly thinking about others.
You Don’t Hold Grudges
The negative emotions that come with holding onto a grudge are actually a stress response. Just thinking about the event sends your body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. When the threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but when the threat is ancient history, holding onto that stress wreaks havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over time. In fact, researchers at Emory University have shown that holding onto stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding onto a grudge means you’re holding onto stress, and emotionally intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs. Letting go of a grudge not only makes you feel better now but can also improve your health.
You Neutralize Toxic People
Dealing with difficult people is frustrating and exhausting for most. High EQ individuals control their interactions with toxic people by keeping their feelings in check. When they need to confront a toxic person, they approach the situation rationally. They identify their own emotions and don’t allow anger or frustration to fuel the chaos. They also consider the difficult person’s standpoint and are able to find solutions and common ground. Even when things completely derail, emotionally intelligent people are able to take the toxic person with a grain of salt to avoid letting him or her bring them down.
You Don’t Seek Perfection
Emotionally intelligent people won’t set perfection as their target because they know that it doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure that makes you want to give up or reduce your effort. You end up spending your time lamenting what you failed to accomplish and what you should have done differently instead of moving forward, excited about what you've achieved and what you will accomplish in the future.
You Appreciate What You Have
Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the right thing to do; it also improves your mood because it reduces the stress hormone cortisol by 23%. Research conducted at the University of California, Davis, found that people who worked daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experienced improved mood, energy, and physical well-being. It’s likely that lower levels of cortisol played a major role in this.
Taking regular time off the grid is a sign of a high EQ because it helps you to keep your stress under control and to live in the moment. When you make yourself available to your work 24/7, you expose yourself to a constant barrage of stressors. Forcing yourself offline and even—gulp!—turning off your phone gives your body and mind a break. Studies have shown that something as simple as an e-mail break can lower stress levels. Technology enables constant communication and the expectation that you should be available 24/7. It is extremely difficult to enjoy a stress-free moment outside of work when an e-mail that will change your train of thought and get you thinking (read: stressing) about work can drop onto your phone at any moment.
Related: Caffeine: The Silent Killer of Success (LinkedIn)
You Limit Your Caffeine Intake
Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline, and adrenaline is the source of the fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a faster response to ensure survival. This is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great when you’re responding to a curt e-mail. When caffeine puts your brain and body into this hyper-aroused state of stress, your emotions overrun your behavior. Caffeine’s long half-life ensures you stay this way as it takes its sweet time working its way out of your body. High-EQ individuals know that caffeine is trouble, and they don’t let it get the better of them.
You Get Enough Sleep
It’s difficult to overstate the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day’s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams) so that you wake up alert and clearheaded. High-EQ individuals know that their self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when they don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. So, they make sleep a top priority.
You Stop Negative Self-Talk in Its Tracks
The more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more power you give them. Most of our negative thoughts are just that—thoughts, not facts. When it feels like something always or never happens, this is just your brain’s natural tendency to perceive threats (inflating the frequency or severity of an event). Emotionally intelligent people separate their thoughts from the facts in order to escape the cycle of negativity and move toward a positive, new outlook.
You Won’t Let Anyone Limit Your Joy
When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take that away from them. While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within.
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3 min read7 Strategies for Dealing With Negative People
Image credit: Chris | Flickr
Author, Etiquette Expert and Founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach
APRIL 21, 2015
We’ve all experienced the side effects of a negative friend, colleague or co-worker. Perhaps you work with someone who complains endlessly about his job but never offers any solutions. Or, a good friend speaks unfavorably about others in your circle and creates drama.
These negative people are markedly pessimistic and will exhaust anyone. Destructive energy and drama follow them everywhere. If you’re not careful, they can pull you into their chaos -- disrupting your focus and sidelining your goals.
Use these seven strategies to better deal with negative people in your life.
"" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px auto 24px; width: 300px; border: 0px; vertical-align: bottom;">1. Set boundaries.
Don’t feel pressured to sit and listen to a negative person. Their negative energy will seep into your own life and affect your attitude. Set limits and put some distance between yourself and this individual. If you must be around a negative person, try to keep your interactions short. You can’t control the negative behavior, but you can control whether or not you engage.
Related: 12 Ways Successful People Handle Toxic People
2. Avoid complainers.
People who complain about everything will never enhance your life. They don’t offer solutions, only point out problems. They will knock your ideas and suck you into their emotional pity party. If a friend, family member or colleague displays the classic symptoms of a complainer, stop socializing. Only deal with him or her if you absolutely must.
3. Weed out negative employees.
Your company culture is a critical part of your brand. One toxic staff member can affect the entire culture of your business. Formerly positive employees may show signs of dissatisfaction, or worse, they may begin to adopt the behavior habits of their negative co-worker. The quicker you deal with a negative co-worker, the quicker you will be able to resolve the situation. Have a meeting, convey your concerns and give the person a chance to change. If his toxic behavior continues, it might be time to let him go.
Related: 4 Ways to Manage Working Relationships With Toxic Family Members
4. Choose your battles.
Don’t engage every time someone irritates you. Not only will you be seen as argumentative, you’ll be welcoming the toxicity into your own life. Rather than argue, try to ignore any negative comments. Control your emotions and prevent the situation from escalating. Walk away from unnecessary conflict. You’ll be respected for taking the high road.
5. Don’t over analyze the situation.
Negative people can sometimes behave irrationally. You will waste valuable time and energy if you try to make sense of their actions. Do whatever you can to prevent yourself from becoming emotionally invested in their issues.
6. Develop a support system.
Build a network of positive friends, acquaintances and professional contacts. If someone knows exactly how to get under your skin, you may not be able to manage the situation by yourself. Have the emotional intelligence to recognize when you need help. When you find yourself becoming overly emotional, call a friend or mentor and calmly explain the situation. Oftentimes an objective person can provide you with a different perspective or a new approach.
7. Embody positivity.
Your happiness and wellbeing are too important to let anyone’s negative opinion or rude comments bring you down or affect how you view yourself. Remain positive and begin to limit your time with the negative individuals in your life. With any luck, your positivity will be repugnant to toxic people and they will gradually fall away naturally.
BY LAUREN STAHL
APRIL 24, 2015 5:10 AM EDT
All too often, we give our power away. We put the needs of others in front of ours. We lose sight of our ability to choose, and forget that the only way to find happiness and fulfillment is from within.
Do you find yourself giving your power away to your partner, boss, friend, or job? Is your happiness dependent on the validation you get from the externals in your life? Or do your feel like you're a victim of your circumstances?
If any of these are the case, you're not alone.
Here are 11 ways to take the power back in your life:
1. Stop blaming.
By blaming, you diminish your sense of self. You give away your power to whatever it is you are blaming. Notice when you're doing it and take the action to act opposite.
2. Stop making excuses.
Excuses mean you’re not taking ownership for your needs or desires. They mean you're not trusting yourself to live the life you want to live. Stop making them today.
3. Stop judging yourself.
Many people are their own harshest critics who embrace the perfectionist mindset. Maybe you procrastinate and don’t immerse yourself in what ultimately brings about fulfillment. Let go of the judgment and embrace compassion to bring back your power.
4. Practice acceptance.
Acceptance is the answer to all your problems. It's where full power and love lies. It's where you can show up and take responsibility for your life and decisions. Practice the beauty of acceptance.
5. Connect with the present moment.
The present moment is where there is serenity. It's where you can tap into your higher self beneath the noise and chaos. By connecting to the present, you're taking all your power back. The power and a life of gratitude lies in the present.
6. Recognize the power of choice.
You always have a choice. It can be easy to lose sight of this when you put the needs of others in front of yours. You don’t have to do this anymore.
7. Accept that you want to change.
Taking the power back in your life means change. It may be uncomfortable. Accept that this is what you want for yourself. Connect with this acceptance and embrace the power you harness within.
Past experiences or events can be hard to come to peace with. They can keep many of us in the mindset of a victim. Remember that you are not a victim. You are an empowered soul that has the ability to practice compassion and love on a constant basis.
9. Take ownership over your decisions.
Your decisions are your decisions. How great is that? Remember that you are behind the steering wheel of your life.
10. Start taking positive actions.
Change means action. Taking your power back means you have to take the actions. It may mean writing down what you want and what your needs and desires are. From there, write down specific actions you can take to make them a reality.
11. Remember that "No" is a powerful word.
Many people have the people-pleaser within who wants to say "yes" to everything. Often you can get resentful of doing things you don’t intuitively want to do. Embrace "no" today and take care of yourself.
BY GABRIELLE BERNSTEIN
MAY 6, 2013 2:11 PM EDT
We're always manifesting. Each thought we have creates an energy flow within and around our physical beings. This energy attracts its likeness. So if you’re thinking, “I suck,” then your energy kinda, well, sucks — and you attract sucky experiences.
The opposite experience occurs when you think high-level thoughts like, “I rock!” When you think and feel, “I rock,” you exude an energy ofconfidence and in turn attract great experiences into your life. Each thought you have informs your energy, and your energy manifests into your experiences. Your thoughts and energy create your reality.
Manifestation has become a buzzword lately. Though it’s totally awesome that the Law of Attraction is now trendy, it also can be a bit misleading for folks who are unwilling to do the heavy lifting. If you truly want to use your energetic power to manifest greatness, you must clear all that blocks you from believing in your greatness.
A Course in Miracles teaches that on some level, you’ve asked for everything that happens in your life. Your intentions create your reality. There’s no need to beat yourself up: simply recognizing how your low-level thoughts negatively affect your life is the first powerful step toward changing your experiences. Begin your manifesting process by getting honest about how your low-level thoughts, energy and feelings of disbelief block you from receiving what you desire. Once you get clear about the blocks, you can begin to clean them up to clear space for positive manifestations to occur.
When trying to manifest, many people focus too much on the outside form rather than the internal condition. From A Course in Miracles’ perspective, what’s important is our internal experience: whether we choose to experience love or fear. When we commit to our internal experience of love, we begin to attract more love. Many people approach manifestation from a place of “How can I get something to feel better?” Instead, the focus should be: “How can I feel better and therefore be an energetic match for attracting more greatness into my life?” The emphasis must be placed on healing the internal condition, not getting a hot new car or boyfriend.
The Five Principles for Manifesting Your Desires
Below are my five key principles for genuine manifesting. When practicing these steps, make sure to stay committed to the goal of feeling good first and attracting stuff second. Continue to remind yourself that when you feel good you energetically attract goodness into your life. When your primary function is to be happy, then whatever comes to you is irrelevant. Happiness is your true manifestation.
1. Clear space.
Before you begin the manifestation process, you must take the necessary time to release all your disbelief in your power to be happy. One of the best ways to clear the blocks of disbelief is to pray for release. Begin a daily prayer practice of asking the Universe to set you free from all the limiting beliefs that block you from believing in your greatness. Stay open for signs from the Universe and show up for the assignments that are brought to you.
Universal assignments come in many forms. Maybe you’re guided to the relationship that brings up all your shit so that you have to finally heal your fear. Or maybe you lose your job so that you can learn the lessons of self-reliance and strengthen your self-love. Trust that these assignments, however tough, are incredible opportunities for you to clean your energy and clear space to call in what you desire.
Your job in this step is to pray for guidance to clear all that blocks you from believing in your greatness. Then allow the Universe to help guide you to whatever assignments you need to aid in the healing process. Show up for the assignments and trust that the more you clean your thoughts and energy, the more positive experiences you will attract into your life.
2. Get clear.
Clarity is king when it comes to manifesting your desires. You must have clear intentions for what you want to call in; otherwise, you can manifest a lot of what you don’t want. Focus on what you desire, then make a list of all that goes along with it. If you’re getting clear about the job you want, make a list of all the things about the job that make you happy: the office, the people, the salary, etc. Be unapologetic about what you want. This list helps you clarify your intentions and access a vibrant mental picture of what you desire.
The most important part of this step is to clarify how you want to feel. When you get clear on how you want to feel, you can begin to access that feeling. That feeling is what makes the manifestation come into form. You can write a thousand lists and make a million vision boards, but if you don’t clearly feel what you want to experience, it will never truly manifest into form.
3. Think it, feel it, believe it!
Now let’s put these steps together. Take your clear intention and spend time every day sitting in the feeling of what it is that you desire. You might access the feeling through meditation and visioning exercises, or call on the feeling when you’re in nature or doing a form of exercise you love. Let the thought inform the feeling and let the feeling take over your energy. The more you feel the feeling of what you desire, the more you believe it's on the way. From a metaphysical perspective, if you believe it, then it's already here. So make time for contemplating, thinking, feeling and believing.
The next step is crucial to the manifestation process. In order to truly manifest your desires into form, you gotta chill out! A Course in Miracles teaches: “Those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait and wait without anxiety.” Take this message with you and allow your faithfulness to guide you into the belief that what you desire is on the way. Also trust that the Universe has a much better plan than you do. Though you are clear about what you want, you cannot control the timing or the form in which it comes. Stay calm, relax and trust that the Universe has your back!
5. Know the universe has your back.
When you’re in the know, you’re deliberate about what you want. When you’re in the know, you no longer vibrate energy of fear or disbelief. You just know. As your disbelief wilts away, wanting is replaced by knowing. Getting into the know happens naturally.
When you diligently practice steps one through four, you'll clean house, get clear and feel happier. This process is healing and powerful, and it leads to a deep inner knowing that you're right where you need to be. Accepting your greatness in this moment, right now, is what manifests more greatness. Being in the know helps you accept that you're already living in your desired manifestation. When you feel it, you live it — regardless of what's happening on the outside. In time, the Universe catches up with your energy and your desires come into form. This process of allowing the manifestation to follow your internal faith is the true process of co-creation.
Stay Committed to Happiness
Stay committed to this five-step process and trust that you’re exactly where you need to be. Is your main desire to feel good? Trust you'll be given everything you need to create that feeling. Know that feeling good is the true manifestation — and everything else is the icing on the already delicious cake!
Monday, April 27, 2015
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Sunday, April 26, 2015
FAMILY Marsha Maxwell
Sunday, April 26, 2015
The process of a heartfelt, effective apology
“I’m sorry” is a common phrase, used almost reflexively when we bump someone in a hallway or show up five minutes late for an appointment. But for hurtful situations in close relationships, the apology process requires much more than a knee-jerk reaction.
When transgressions are serious, an effective, relationship-healing apology is an ongoing process that requires empathy and attitude changes for both the offending party and the person offended. The key is for the offender to develop a deep understanding of how the offended person has been hurt, according to Gilbert Parra, one of the authors of a study of apologies published last month in the Journal of Family Theory and Review.
“The more energy or effort the transgressor puts in to try to understand exactly why their behavior hurt the other individual, the more likely it is to lead to forgiveness and ultimately repair the relationship,” Parra said.
Anatomy of an apology
In close relationships, such as a couple or family relationship, there is a greater chance of acting in a way that hurts a loved one’s feelings, labeled in the study as “interpersonal transgression.”
“The likelihood of an apology increases when there is more intimacy in the relationship,” said Jarrett Lewis, another of the study’s authors.
Lewis and his colleagues identified five components of an effective apology:
Acknowledgment of wrongdoingAcceptance of responsibilityExpression of remorseOffer of compensationCommunication not to commit the transgression again in the futureApologies become especially difficult when the offending person doesn’t understand why their behavior is hurtful. Relationship repair in these situations requires a deepening of empathy, according to relationship counselor and author Jeffrey Sumber.
“A real apology, an authentic apology, is a synthesis between my mind and my heart,” he said. “It’s a true response, because I’ve taken time to understand what I’m doing and what I’ve done.”
Sumber encourages clients to think about philosopher Martin Buber’s concept of “I-thou” versus “I-it” relationships.
“In the ‘I-thou’ relationship, when I encounter you, I encounter you as a ‘thou,’ ” Sumber said. “When you think of the Bible and lofty language, it’s this formal version of ‘you.’ So when I encounter you as a ‘thou,’ I see you as something holy and something sacred.” Acknowledging the value of the other person promotes empathy, making a true apology possible.
In the “I-it” relationship, Sumber says, “You’re here to make me happy. You need to do it, say it, be it, the way I think you should.” This attitude makes apology and reconciliation difficult.
When apologies fail
Often, a child’s first experience with apology is prompted by a parent’s demand. “A lot of us first learned about apology when we were told by our parents, ‘Tell your brother you’re sorry,’ ” said psychotherapist and relationship expert Abby Rodman. “We were forced to say those words, even when the last thing we felt was sorry.”
It’s admirable for parents to teach their children polite behavior, but parents can go a step farther and teach their children empathy, according to Rodman.
“Parents could take the time to sit down with their kids and say, ‘Why do you think your brother or your sister feels so sad right now? What do you think you did to contribute to that?’ ” Rodman said.
An insincere, quick apology can sometimes be a way to escape a difficult conversation, which does nothing to repair a relationship, according to psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of “The Dance of Anger.”
“A bad apology flattens you,” Lerner said. “ ‘I’m sorry’ won’t cut it, if it’s a quick way to get out of a difficult conversation, or followed by a justification or excuse.”
“Apology fails when it’s detached from emotion, when I say the right things, but it’s mechanical and robotic, and you know clearly that I’m not in alignment with what I’m saying,” according to Sumber.
An offhanded dig in the apology, like "I’m really sorry that I hurt you, but I never would have hurt you if you didn’t say or do that thing,” will also ensure it will fail, Sumber said.
The offending person needs to take responsibility for the hurt they have created, according to Rodman. “‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ or ‘I’m sorry you’re so upset,’ are not apologies,” she said. “They’re blaming statements. They put the burden on the injured party.”
Forgiveness is liberating
For the offended, accepting an apology is an opportunity for growth and deepening the relationship, Rodman said.
Another reason for forgiveness is the knowledge that everyone has been both offender and offended.
“Forgiveness is liberating,” Rodman said. “When we forgive others, we also make room for forgiving ourselves. If we can learn to accept true apologies, maybe we can be a little bit easier on ourselves, as well.”
However, forgiveness does not require staying in a harmful relationship, she cautioned.
“If someone continually injures you in the same ways over and over again, you need to decide how sincere they are in their remorse,” she said.
Apology as a process
For serious transgressions, like infidelity, lying or stealing, apologies cannot be completed in a single conversation. “An apology can be an ongoing, living and breathing entity in a relationship,” Rodman said.
Behavior changes are an important part of the apology process, according to Rodman.
For example, she counseled a couple after the wife discovered her husband was having an affair with a colleague while traveling for business. “To his credit, the husband continually offered heartfelt apologies. He felt awful about what he had done and regularly expressed his shame and remorse, but his wife was still having difficulty forgiving him.” Rodman said.
The offending husband made changes in his behavior. He cut back on his business travel and instituted a “kitchen table policy,” in which everything — his cellphone, laptop, tablet or anything else, was open and available for his wife to look at.
Because the husband backed up his apologies with behavior changes, the marriage was saved, Rodman said.
In a similar situation, saving a marriage required a more complete acknowledgement of wrongdoing, according to Sumber. When he counseled a couple after the husband’s infidelity, the husband seemed to be using repeated apologies as a way of stopping conversation and avoiding his wife’s hurt.
“He just said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ But it was more like trying to sweep apologies at her with such force that she would just drop it,” Sumber said.
“When he finally found his way to an authentic apology, she really felt it. It shifted their process from a divorce process to a reconnecting and healing process,” Sumber said.
“That apology was transformative for their relationship.”
Assalamualaikum wrt ..
When everyday was a miracle
When the sky was always blue
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When the flowers were always blooming...
When everything was enough
When the home was never small
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When the day was never dull
When the night was never lonely...
The good old days
The beautiful memories
This is one for all the spiritual guys out there.
The evils of the Ego gets a lot of attention from all the spiritual teachers out there.
The Ego has been blamed for everything from the breakdown of relationships to creating wars! But no-one’s really given you a game plan to both identify and overcome it.
So, what I’m going to give you today is an easy, step by step guide to overcoming the Ego.
Step 1: Identify
The Ego is a little difficult for most people to identify. Most literature on it identifies symptoms of the Ego without really cutting to the core.
The literature identifies arrogance, stubbornness, fear of judgement, fear of failure, amongst others, but it misses the key point.
All of these elements have one core element in common: they only occur when you’re dependent on the external environment to feel the way you want to feel.
When you rely on the other peoples perceptions to feel good, then you’re going to fear judgement, you’re going to fear failure, you’re going to fight to prove a point that you know is wrong, and you’re going to try and blame others for your situation in life.
This is what’s at the core of the Ego: being dependent on the external environment to feel the way you want to feel.
I go into depth about this in Endgame. You can read about it as part of the free section of Endgame that you can download it for free here:www.attractioninstitute.org/book/free-chapter
I refer to it as Getting in Endgame but you could easily substitute that name for The Ego.
Step 2: Understand
You don’t just do this out of habit. There’s a reason you’re fighting and struggling to make the external environment give you what you want:
You currently don’t have what you want.
You currently don’t feel the way you want to feel.
If you felt satisfied, fulfilled, happy, and complete, you wouldn’t be relying on anything to make you feel the way you want to feel.
It’s only because you don’t feel the way you want to that your Ego is even rearing it’s head.
Think about it:
If you felt deeply connected to people around you, would you really care what other people’s opinions were?
If you felt powerful, strong, and free, would you really care if you didn’t get the exact outcome you wanted?
There’s only one reason that your Ego is sticking it’s head into your business and that’s because you don’t feel the way you want to.
The way to overcome your ego for good is to feel the way you want to feel so the Ego becomes unnecessary.
When you feel the way you want to feel, you’ll stop needing anything from the world around you. Simple.
Step 3: Transform
If the ego is the part of yourself that relies on the external environment to feel the way you want to feel, and it only occurs because you don’t currently feel the way you want to feel, then what do you do?
Go on, guess.
When you think about it, it’ll be very obvious.
The way to overcome the Ego and all it’s inherent limitations is to find a way to feel the way you want to feel, that doesn’t rely on the external environment.
When you can feel the way you want to fee, regardless of what’s going on around you, then you wont have to deal with the symptoms of the Ego because it simply wont exist.
By doing this, you remove the foundation of the ego, thus making it vanish.
There are two different pathways to experiencing everything you want, regardless of what’s going on around you. I call them Doing andCreating.
Whilst I would love to go into depth about them now, it takes me nearly 30 pages to do so in Endgame so I’m afraid it’s not possible, so here’s a quick overview of Doing.
Doing is learning to find what you’re looking for through the actions you take, rather than the outcomes of those actions.
For example: Say you currently feel powerless and want to feel powerful, there are many different ways you could do it.
You could try and make people do tasks for you.
You could try and make yourself look better than them by putting them down.
You could try and hide the parts of yourself that you think are inferior and accentuate the parts that you think are superior.
The limitation of all of these is that they rely on other peoples actions or responses to determine how you feel. The limitation of all of these is that they’re operating from the Ego.
But these aren’t the only ways to feel powerful.
You could push through a big fear and do something that scares you.
You could take an action that challenge yourself to do something that you didn’t think was possible for you to do.
Both of these would allow you to feel powerful without you having to rely on how the external environment responds to you. You’d be independent.
Obviously, this is a VERY brief overview of Doing so, if you want to get a thorough understanding of everything you can do to overcome your Ego for good, you can get your own copy of Endgame here:
In it, I go into explicit depth about the different pathways, how they function, and then most importantly, what you can do to transition between them.
Step 4: Critique
The ego is such a widely debated topic that I’m sure some of you out there have an opinion on this.
I’d love to hear it.
Please share your thoughts below.
What’s missing? Where does this theory fall down? Let me have it!
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Hadirmu memberi harapan...
Aku memerlukanmu dalam hidupku
Bagi mengisi ruang hatiku
Di kala suka dan duka
Di kala tawa dan sendu
Hadirmu satu anugerah
Rahmat yang tidak ternilai
Bagai mentari yang menyinari
Bagai pelangi yang mewarnai
Menerangi dan mengindahkan
Kau bertakhta di hati
Tanpamu bahagiaku tiada erti
Tanpamu hambar hari-hariku...
Yang kasih dan mengasihani
Dalam ikatan ukhwah kerana-Nya
Saling bahagia dan membahagiakan
Selalu memaafkan dan mendoakan
Dengan kebenaran dan kesabaran...
Di setiap detik
Damailah aku melayari waktu
Hingga ke Jannah.
Friday, April 24, 2015
To all my dear friends..
A friend 🌺
When I am lonely
I need your company
When I am in misery
I need your support
When I cry
I need your shoulder...
When I am in my glory
I need your blessing
When I am lost
I need your guidance
When I am wrong
I need your advice...
When I am in need
All I need is a friend
Who understands me
My source of joy, strength and courage
Who is there when I fall on bad days
Lessens my sorrows and sufferings
Who stands by me
Through thick and thin...
All I need is a friend
A true companion
The real friend
Who loves me
A friend in need
Is a friend indeed...
Assalamu'alaikum wrt sahabat yang dirindu dan dirahmati Allah..moga hari ini pebih baik dan lebih bahagia dr semalam🌻🌱🍀🍃
Langkah demi langkah
Demi masa yang berjalan
Langkah demi langkah
Demi masa yang berlalu
Erti sabar yang cantik
Erti syukur pada yang sedikit
Langkah demi langkah
Demi masa yang ada
Kini aku semakin mengerti
KepadaMu Ya Allah
Yang Maha Agung
Yang Selalu Ada...
Langkah demi langkah
Demi masa yang berbaki
Ya Hayyu Ya Quyyum
Ya Rahman Ya Rahim
Hanya Engkau yang aku sembah
Dan hanya kepada Engkau aku meminta pertolongan...
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Copy paste from watsapp...thank you😀
WHAT IS OXYMORON? 😡
An Oxymoron is defined as a phrase in which two words of opposite meanings 📥📤are brought together…📩
Here are some funny Oxymoron: 😀
1. Clearly Misunderstood 😴
2. Exact Estimate 😰
3. Small Crowd 😓
4. Act Naturally 😩
5. Found Missing 😱
6. Fully Empty 😨
7. Pretty Ugly 😠
8. Seriously Funny 😟
9. Only Choice 😦
10. Original Copies 😖
And people say the Mother of all Oxymoron is…..
11. Happily Married 😷😷😷
Ps...Happily married yeah
Monday, April 20, 2015
5 Reasons Why You’re Not Broken
by: Panache Desai
You are the only person qualified to be you. So why are you spending so much of your time and energy trying to improve, enhance, fix or change the person that you already are? You don’t have to lose five (or 50) pounds, find the perfect spouse, or wear the hottest color of the season to “finally” be complete. There is not one more thing you need to do in order to be what you already are. You already are everything you need to be.
Still skeptical? Here are five reasons why you’re not broken:
1. The Energy That Made You Is Not Judging You
As Albert Einstein so wisely said, “Energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another.” Energy just is. The infinite vibrational field of energy, or God, that shaped you, and left its signature upon you, resonates at the frequency of love and only ever expresses its absolute love for you.
2. It’s Only Your Mind, Your Ego, That Perceives Brokenness
The standard definition of broken is to be separated into two or more pieces. Therefore, you’re only fractured to the degree to which you believe you’re broken. Your natural state is oneness. By labeling yourself in a negative way, you are making yourself less than, psychologically forcing yourself to take on the qualities of being incomplete, when in truth you are always whole, you are unbreakable.
3. You Are Not Defined by How Your Life Has Been or What You’ve Done
Life is not a journey of overcoming obstacles. Your life is a state of being, to be celebrated and enjoyed. Major life events such as becoming a parent, getting a divorce, or managing financial loss are not being done to you; they are catalysts for your greatest evolution and growth. Sure, it may not always feel like this, but it’s these very seminal events that catapult you into a greater state of harmony with yourself. Everything is happening for you, to restore you to balance in your life.
4. As Long as You’re Breathing, There’s Hope
Whether you feel devastated or elated, annoyed or overjoyed, your emotions are meant to be experienced. These feelings are neither good nor bad. Once you have fully experienced a particular emotion, another will replace it. Emotions are energy in motion and experiencing them allows for them to change form. When you judge them as good or bad, you limit your ability to feel them, and impede your growth, evolution, and the recognition of your brilliance. That doesn’t mean that your brilliance no longer exists. So, as long as you are breathing, you will continue to experience emotions. By removing the judgment, you will begin to live in harmony with who you are and you’ll no longer resist your experiences. Life will begin to flow. When you apply the qualities of love and trust to the experience of yourself, then you will know your innate unbreakability.
5. When You Give Up the Conflict You Have With Being Yourself, You’ll Find Yourself
Do you want to know the secret to shifting gears from ordinary to extraordinary? Self-acceptance. Put down the gloves and stop beating yourself up so much. When you end your resistance to being yourself, exactly as you are right now, in this moment, then you will start to experience the shifts that you’ve been looking for all along. When you fully accept yourself, you’ll naturally start to take better care of yourself. You’ll eat better and exercise more, and the weight that you thought was holding you back will naturally start to fall away.
When you love yourself, you will see love all around you and the relationship you’ve been hoping for will finally arrive. Your inner world transforms your experience of being in the world. When you see that you embody all of the same gifts, talents, and abilities as the divine, then you will know the truth—you are limitless potential, there is nothing to heal and nothing to fix.
- See more at: http://www.chopra.com/ccl/5-reasons-why-youre-not-broken?utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=CCL+Newsletter+150324&utm_campaign=March#sthash.Iz2VwpKB.dpuf
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Detik waktu menemukan
Antara anugerah dan ujian
Antara kehendak dan ketentuan
Kabur jua pandangan
Tersadung dalam melangkah
Tersungkur dalam menongkah
Detik waktu berlalu
Yang dekat disangka jauh
Yang ada disangka hilang
Yang terang disangka kelam
Detik waktu menguji
Jiwa yang kehilangan
Sabar dan redha
Detik waktu terus berjalan
Dengan niat yang suci
Bercahaya pelita hati
Menerangi lagi menyuluh
Bahagia lagi membahagiakan
Dalam rindu dan air mata
Dalam Kasih dan Sayang
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Friday, April 10, 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Perkongsian yg indah dr watsapp..terima kasih kpd penulis yg budiman...
Usrah Bidadari Bidadari syurga
Bagaimana menjadi muslimah 'High Class’
🌸 Motivate diri dengan mengatakan setiap hari,
“Aku muslimah High Class, Aku ingin cari redha Allah. Aku ingin ke syurgaNya bersama orang yang aku sayang. Aku ingin berakhlak seperti akhlak ahli syurga."
🌸 Syurga itu mahal, di huni oleh orang-orang mahal (High Class dalam beriman dan bertaqwa kepada Allah). Bukan yang sebaliknya.
Bagaimana menjadi Muslimah High Class :
🌸 Muslimah High Class adalah yang takut kepada Allah dan RasulNya. Beriman dan bertaqwa kepada Allah dengan sebenar-benarnya. Sangat ambil berat akan perintah Allah. Sangat takut akan marahnya Allah kepada dirinya. Dia meletakkan Allah adalah keutamaan yang utama dalam segala yang dia lakukan. Setiap perintah Allah cuba dipatuhi.
🌸 Solat 5 waktu, menutup aurat, berbakti kepada kedua ibubapa, rajin membaca Al-Quran dan menuntut ilmu, taat kepada suami, mendidik anak dengan baik dan lain-lain lagi.
🌸 Muslimah yang High Class itu yang setia. Setia dalam banyak perkara. Terutama sabar dan solat. Setia dalam berpesan-pesan kepada kebenaran dan berpesan-pesan kepada kesabaran. Setia dalam membaca Al-Quran walaupun pada permulaan dia letakkan target sehari sehelai.
🌸 Muslimah High Class setia dalam mencurahkan kasih sayang yang High Class kepada ibubapanya, kepada suaminya, kepada guru-gurunya, kepada sahabat-sahabatnya, kepada anak-anaknya dan kepada seluruh manusia yang lain mengikut syariat yang digariskan dalam islam dan mencontohi sikap Nabi Muhammad SAW.
🌸 Muslimah High Class muslimah yang berani untuk mengambil langkah untuk berubah. Dia berani untuk berubah walaupun perlu menggunakan “analogi anak kecil” iaitu dari tidak pandai berjalan sehingga menjadi pandai berjalan dan akhirnya pandai berlari.
🌸 Jadilah yang terpilih dan memilih. Jangan jadi yang terpilih tapi tidak memilih. Melangkahlah perlahan-lahan. Jika sebelum ini tidak solat, sekarang sudah solat juga satu perubahan. Jika sebelum ni bercakap kasar, sekarang berusaha sedikit demi sedikit untuk menjaga tutur kata juga ialah satu perubahan.
🌸 Muslimah High Class seorang yang tabah hatinya dalam ujian hidup. Allah menguji kita sesuai dengan kesanggupan kita.
Allah menguji kerana Allah mempersiapkan kita untuk menjadi tabah dan menjadi perempuan yang berdikari, matang, kental jiwanya walau apa jua di hadapan. Allah mempersiapkan diri kita untuk amanah-amanah yang lebih banyak di masa akan datang.
🌸 Muslimah High Class sedar, tahu, dan mahu. Dia sedar yang akhirnya dia akan mati dan kembali kepada Allah. Dia sedar yang setiap apa yang dia lakukan didunia akan dicatat samaada sebagai pahala dan dosa. Kerana matlamatnya ingin bertemu dengan Allah, Rasulullah, dan berbahagia selama-lamanya di Syurga.
Sama sama kita berusaha menjadi Muslimah High Class.